Have you ever felt like life is moving in slow motion? Like everything just came to a sudden halt and now you are walking around on autopilot. Last Thursday I was laid off from my job.
Yes, the awesome new job I was so excited about. While working from home I was asked to meet with one of the Directors at a restaurant called ‘Boot and Shoe’. I really wish I was joking. She explained to me that after two office break ins the company is preparing to move and financially they can’t afford to keep my job. After telling me this she handed me my personal items that were at the office and left. I drove to a fucking restaurant named Boot and Shoe to get fired. I was immediately kicked out of everything — company emails, Instagram accounts, Slack, and other work related programs. It’s funny because they started kicking me out of the programs and unfollowing me from social media before I had even been verbally fired. So I felt it coming but still didn’t understand why…
I worked so hard to find a company I enjoyed and actually looked forward to working for. After that long interview process, helping to plans events, building connections, group outings, and starting to feel apart of something just to be given the boot, literally. It was out of my control but why did I feel like it was something I did wrong? I was the one that walked in and discovered the break in, I was the one who had to call the cops and report the robbery, so why do I feel like I’ve been punished for something I didn’t do.
I haven’t been looking forward to writing a blog post this week because I’ve honestly been feeling numb since it happened. After she fired me I sat in my car and cried. I called and told my family and after about an hour I felt okay to drive myself home. Once I got home I got in bed and cried some more. I was sent my notice of termination and was direct deposited my last check on Friday.
The next day I went to see Beyonce with my mom and sister. I had the time of my life…
…but everything still felt like I was in autopilot. It was like I was there but I wasn’t really there. I just couldn’t stop thinking… what am I going to do now.
I emailed the Academy of Art because a few months ago I was invited to their final interview but I took the job at APW instead. I was relieved that not only did the Academy of Art remember me but they were happy to schedule me for my final interview. Things are happening but I still feel out of control.
I’ve explained to my family how I feel like a professional interviewer at this point. I’ve tried out so many jobs that hasn’t been the right fit. LOL I feel like I’m speed dating. After working at a job for just a few months and building work relationships with a company and learning how they do things, it’s exhausting to have to prepare myself to go through this process yet again.
I keep hearing things like “better things are coming” and “God has a plan for you”. I’ve also heard alot about how much I inspire people even in the middle of my storm. My life is shifting in a new direction, I am sure of that but I’m feeling so uncertain about everything right now. I’m not excited. I’m just here. Allowing myself the space and opportunity to just go through this.
I described this feeling to a friend recently… It’s that feeling of wanting to go swimming but once you get to the pool you start second guessing yourself and overthinking everything. You start by putting your toe in to see how it feels first and then someone comes behind you and push you in… right now I’ve been pushed into the deep end earlier than I expected.
I want to eventually work for myself when I feel prepared and ready. I’m having such a hard time finding a place for me. Finding a job is alot like dating for me. I’m not prepared to settle. For the life of me I can’t figure out why it’s so difficult for me to find ‘the one’. Maybe I’m placing to much emphasis on my career but working at a place I’m not passionate about is just something I can’t do. I’ve worked a few different 9-5 jobs that I hate just for a check. I’ve spent my days watching the clock waiting to leave and counting down the days until the weekend. I cannot anymore.
Bills still have to get paid so I’ve picked myself up and I have a few interviews scheduled this week but emotionally I am drained. All I’ve been doing is watching motivational videos, reading, and praying.
I’ve always been a very calculated person. I try to plan everything out or look for a purpose behind it but I’m learning that most things are out of my control. My various jobs has taught me I don’t like routine because I have a creative mind. So the grind continues. God is constantly teaching me to let go and let things happen naturally. Have faith girl. God won’t bring you this far to leave you. But like most people my fear of the unknown, lack of security and comfort is challenging but not more than I can bear.
I’m trying to put the pieces together. God is moving things out of my way for a purpose. That purpose is still unknown. But I trust Him.
Thank you to Peyton for sending me this sermon: Enjoy It All. I needed this! Peyton is apart of my church family, we grew up going to youth church together. Over the years she’s came to me for advice about college, friendships and just life. I am very grateful that she was able to reach out and give me a word to remember while I’m going through my storm. I thank God for the lifelong bonds I’ve built that has stuck with me. The genuine people in your life that I don’t talk to everyday but the love is still there.
Although shit is cray right now I will not neglect my readers. Shoutout to y’all for sticking it out with me on this journey.
Thanks for reading & we’ll talk more next week