The Year of Destruction

God has been working yall.

This year I’ve lost love ones, I’ve lost material possessions, I’ve lost jobs, and I’ve lost love. After 4 years it is finally over.

All that glitters ain’t gold. I am a creative individual so naturally I can see the positive in everything and make crap look beautiful. Im not saying my relationship was crap but I dealt with alot of shit and covered it up. How most people are at dead end jobs I was in a dead end relationship. I felt trapped and stuck most times by someone who refused to grow but instead was complacent with mediocrity.

I now know what it means when people say I hate the person I was becoming. Near the end things got toxic. Nothing could make me happy. My mental health was at stake. Anxiety and depression was an everyday battle. Most nights I couldn’t sleep and it affected my overall well-being.

As I go through this storm I am learning alot of life lessons. One very important lesson is I can’t place my hopes, dreams, and journey in the hands of others. I have to learn to go within. I have always been a person who wants to bring everyone along with me. I cannot bring everyone. I cannot try to include everyone. I cannot force people to go where God has lead me to go. I’m learning that no matter how effective my communication is or how well I paint a picture the vision God has given me is mine and mine alone. Go alone.

I realized a while ago the Bay Area and maybe even California as a whole isnt the place for me. Im not interested in struggling to pay high ass rent my whole life. I want a house of my own. I want to build a career not a job. I have no desire to work at the same place for 30 years with nothing to show for it. I have no desire to stand still. The goal is growth. I am tired of being overworked, under appreciated, and underpaid. That mentality is one I will NEVER understand. I will never stay any place I am not valued.

If there’s one thing  I know is when God wants me to grow he makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes He has to destroy everything we know and love in order to take us to the next level.

I will never apologize or be ashamed to speak my truth. I am a writer. I’ve said multiple times before, writing is my outlet. When all else fails I write.

I had to fight to be in love with someone all 4 years. If it wasn’t his mom competing with me it was him telling me I wasn’t enough. I stayed around for 4 years asking for someone to consider me and my feelings. That isn’t love. I should never have to beg someone to listen to me and my needs. I should never feel like I have someone’s back who doesn’t have mine. Not only me but my family loved this person wholeheartedly with open arms and I was NEVER given that kind of love in return. Since day one I was made to feel like I had to audition to be in this person and his family’s  space.

I spent 4 years second guessing and doubting myself. I will never do that again. I am enough. I do not need a job to validate me. I do not need a relationship to validate me. I do not need material possessions to validate me. I do not need a single soul to validate who I am as a person. Somewhere along the way I lost that. I was always made to feel like my confidence was a problem. I was told the standards I had for myself and the person I date was a problem. My confidence and security somehow makes me “narcissistic” according to this person. And my refusal to settle for bullshit makes me unstable. 

I’ve held alot in for four years. I suffered in silence for 4 years. Hid things very well. Posted cute couple pictures but meanwhile I knew that shit wasn’t going anywhere.

From the beginning I was made to feel like my skin wasn’t clear enough, my hair wasn’t long enough, I didn’t try hard enough, then oh wait you’re trying too hard now. I wasn’t in a relationship with someone who made me feel supported and secure. Instead I was in a relationship with someone who’s mom wore the pants. He was busy trying to please her so that meant I was supposed to do the same. It was a problem when I wanted us to branch out and be on our own. It was a problem that I wanted our relationship to be about us. But I’ve grown to realize the problem was me fighting for someone to be independent when that wasn’t what they wanted. I cannot raise a man.

I do not blame anyone but myself. I saw the red flags and signs a long time ago but I kept going. I let my heart and desire believe I could love everything away. That is never okay. I carried a relationship with the lie that if I worked hard enough for the both of us we would come out on top. It doesn’t work that way. All I was left feeling was used up, stressed out, and tired. 

But now it’s time to pick myself up and get back to me. It’s time to focus on myself and my personal growth. It’s time to rediscover who I was before I lost myself in that relationship.

Thank you guys for reading.

Life is still doing a number on me.

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