It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve posted a blog. I’ve been writing in my journal keeping my feelings and thoughts close to home. As if my life isn’t already chaotic enough, my friend was recently killed and I guess you can say he is the inspiration for me to write again. He was always so supportive and encouraged any and everything I did. He told me often how much seeing me live life on my own terms inspired him to step out of his box and do more. I am so very sad that someone would kill him. He had such a big caring heart. I’m really hurt, he didn’t deserve this at all. Joshua Jaquan Roberts, as long as I’m breathing you will not be forgotten.
Well since my last post, I moved to Los Angeles. I’ve been here for a year and a half now. I still wake up and wonder what was I thinking moving here. Lol I am completely alone. Single with no family. Breaking away from everyone and everything to do something different hasn’t been easy at all. It doesn’t make sense to my family. It was kind of an impulsive move. In 2020 everything I thought I was building came crumbing down so I decided that was the perfect time to do something I’ve always wanted to do. In college when I decided to major in public relations I was dead set on moving to New York to break into the fashion industry. Well that never happened. I moved back to the Bay Area instead. I thought I found love and I was working at non profits and small offices. I was settling. I knew if I wasn’t going to NYC, Los Angeles would be the next best place to move. It’s way more creative opportunities and brands in LA. So why not right?
I moved to LA in October 2020 and I have literally went through every emotion. One day I’m driving through the streets smiling at the palm trees, one day I’m skating on the beach, another day I’m trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents, the next day I’m being mistreated and underpaid at my job, and then on the weekend I’m turning up at brunch. Lol I literally never know what to expect here. The dating scene is even more trash than everyone described. Literally just looking at LA men make me want to dry heave. Don’t get it twisted, I have been living my best hot girl life out here. This last year I have been on a few rendezvous’ and some pretty great adventures but no one has really captured my attention for too long. I’m not in a rush to “find love”, I’m definitely not over looking any red flags, and I’m enjoying being single. Focusing on myself while having some nice company every now and then. Maybe I’ll do a separate blog on my best and worst dates so far because I have some stories. (like when this guy asked me to be his date to my first Nigerian wedding) Lol! But that’s another story for another day. Creative brands and opportunities are what brought me here but breaking into the industry and finding my path has been my biggest challenge so far.
It is surely true what they say, God gave you your vision for a reason. It’s not for everyone to understand. I’ve learned the hard way my family isn’t going to get it and that’s okay. Calling home to cry about every inconvenience hasn’t been effective crisis management. Hearing “just come back home” or “maybe it’s time to find something else” is getting old. My friends are amazing especially when I need a pep talk or a pick me up but the reality is we’re all fighting our own battles. Dating may not be the greatest out here, but I have met some amazing friends. LA is full of transplants so connecting with others who know exactly how I feel and what I’m going through hasn’t been hard to find. This city is known for being fake and superficial which is true but connecting with genuine people isn’t impossible. Especially because most of us are here alone away from our families trying to figure it out also.
I’ve been looking into going back to church. I’ve been researching some churches to visit and attending services online. Lately, I’ve been trying to figure out how to become more grounded. Although my life always seems like it’s off track, living in a new city means trying to find my flow. Every time I turn around it’s something but this is what I signed up for. If I wanted safe and predictable I’d move back home. If I wanted easy and affordable I’d move down south. But nope instead here I am in a big ass expensive ass city where everyone and their mama is trying to “make it”. It’s hard and I cry so much that I’m shocked my eyes aren’t dried out completely but I refuse to give up on myself. I’m living a completely different life than I thought I’d be living at 30. I’m living a completely different life than I thought I’d be living a few years ago but that’s the beauty of life. The future is unpredictable. Everything happens for a reason. God led me here for a reason. So my only job is to trust Him.
Last year I wrote a blog but never posted it. It felt undone and pointless but I’ve decided I’m going to stop being so hard on myself. So here’s the post you guys never got to read:
It’s been almost 8 months since I’ve written a blog. It’s been almost 8 months since I’ve written much of anything honestly. My last post was written from a place of anger. I needed to vent. The world was crashing down around me. I went to sleep crying and woke up crying for about 3 weeks straight. I was in such a dark place until I received an email from a Fashion Public Relations Firm in Los Angeles about an internship. I got in touch with a friend who was already living in LA about being roommates and boom like that everything else sort of just fell in line.
The week before I moved to Los Angeles I went on a girls trip to Washington, DC. The trip couldn’t have come at a better time. Going to DC and hanging with a group of educated, successful fine black women was the wake up call I needed. Life after a breakup isn’t a tragic ending but instead a brand new beginning. After my trip I packed up my car and drove to LA. I’ve been living here for almost 6 months. Being newly single and living in a new city has been a wild rollercoaster ride. I definitely have my rough days. I have my ‘what am I doing all the way out here by myself’ days. I have my ‘wow I can’t believe I did that shit’ days lol Most days I have to remind myself to breathe. I’m still new to the city and learning. It’s not a sprint it’s a marathon.
I think about writing often but I most times I don’t know where to start. There’s still anger there. There’s alot of uncertainty. Alot of misplaced feelings I’m dealing with that I don’t know how to express. Most days I feel as if I have nothing meaningful to say. I’m just here trying to survive. Anyways, the internship was fun and exciting while it lasted. But I decided the firm wasn’t for me. Still very thankful for the experience. Now I am a Los Angeles resident. Who would have guessed I would be typing that one day.
Thanks for reading guys. I’m not going to make any promises on when I’ll be posting my next blog. Especially because who knows, I may have the sell my laptop so I can afford to live another month in LA. Lol just kidding… kinda. But keep a look out for these late night random blogs.